Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
