I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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