Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
