Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
