WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
