Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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