Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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