so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
