the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
