Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
