he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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