I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
