You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We need a shit load of segways right now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
