I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize