yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
