I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
