I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
