Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
