can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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