So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
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My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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