I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
