I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
