When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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