no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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