party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
