I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
