i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
