he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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