Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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