I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize