end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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