Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
