Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
