My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
