alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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