Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
