I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
