That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
