be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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