My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
