Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
a search helicopter?!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
