I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
