So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
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I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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