I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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