Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
