its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I want you more than these girls want KFC
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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