I accidentally had phone sex last night
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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