If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
