Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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