The maid of honor just puked.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He better not be in your backpack
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
