Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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