The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
its liver damage thursday
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