having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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