i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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