the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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