Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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