My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
