I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
