....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
